Actually that’s not true. In reality, it says a lot for Lindsay Lohan’s current situation that she’s about to make a harrowing drama about a porn star and it’s the best thing to happen to her for years. Others would back away from the challenge of playing a poverty-stricken woman who claimed that she was often literally forced to perform oral sex on strangers with a gun to her head, but for Lindsay Lohan the experience will be a happy little cakewalk compared to everything else that’s happened to her lately.
That’s right – Lindsay Lohan is set to star as Linda Lovelace in a new biopic. And Lindsay is a perfect fit. Obviously the part will have to be rewritten to give her the voice of a 70-year-old man, but otherwise it’s perfect.
It’s a shame that Lindsay Lohan could never really maximise on the momentum she built up with I Know Who Killed Me, isn’t it? If she was only sent a few more scripts about amnesiac twins who are professional strippers and have metal robot hands, then it goes without saying that she would have cornered the amnesiac robot-handed stripper twins market with breathtaking ease.
But, alas, it wasn’t to be. Nobody is as keen on writing thrillers about two identical forgetful strippers with robot hands as Lindsay Lohan is at playing them. That’s the real reason why her life is in the toilet at the moment. Not the drugs. Not the alcohol. Not the arrests. Not the straight-to-DVD comedies. Not the lesbianism or the relentless over-personal Twittering or the shitbox of a father or the fact that her reputation is so low that she’s sacked from films that nobody would have watched anyway. It’s because there aren’t enough films about part-robot lapdancers with short-term memory issues.
But, hey, at least Lindsay Lohan has now found the next best thing – a biopic about Linda Lovelace, the star of Deep Throat who spent most of her post-porn life campaigning against cruelty towards women, largely due to her husband Chuck Traynor, who she claimed would repeatedly attack her, force her into prostitution, allow other men to rape her and often threaten to kill her at gunpoint. It’s a meaty part, slightly let down by the fact that Linda Lovelace didn’t have robot hands. But, hey, Lindsay’s not exactly in a position to be picky here. MTV reports:
“The idea has been kicked around for months,” a producer on “Inferno,” Wali Razaqi, told MTV News. “The director [Matthew Wilder] told me it would be a very good role for her. So we’re hoping to have her.” Contacted separately, “Inferno” producer Chris Hanley said that Lohan’s participation has been locked in. “That is confirmed,” he said.
It seems obvious that Lindsay Lohan is exactly the right person to play Linda Lovelace in Inferno. After all, she shares a lot of the notoriety that Lovelace gained, and it won’t be difficult for her to really inhabit the part. And maybe she’ll even be able to bring a little of herself into the part – perhaps by including a scene where Lovelace tweets ‘OMG!!!!!! I’VE GOT A COCK IN MY MOUTH!!!’ during the filming of Deep Throat, or imbuing her with a deep affinity for robotic hands or something.
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