FIFTY years ago, many Australians had such a basic understanding
of their bodies some thought they were "doing it" when really they were
just rubbing up against each other.
But over the past few decades the huge shift in our knowledge of sex
and sexuality – and growing feminism - has changed the way we form
relationships, experts say.
Sex therapist and author Bettina Arndt says she has spoken to older people “who hardly had a clue what sex was all about when they were younger”.
“It was barely ever talked about openly and people blushed to even use the words,” Arndt says. “Sex before marriage carried a huge social stigma and courtship lasted for months or even years.”
Now, thanks to the internet, television and women’s magazines, people are generally a lot more comfortable talking about sex, fantasies, fetishes and their bodies.
So how have women’s relationships and sexuality changed over the years? We take a look at intimacy through the generations from the experiences of Australian grandmothers, mothers and daughters from very different backgrounds.
Pat Cox, 84, has been married three times and is a liberal thinker who still believes in love and romance.
“In my day, we were too scared to have sexual relationships before we were married.
“If I had got pregnant out of wedlock, I would have been sent away to a home for unmarried mothers and had my baby taken from me and adopted out. Thank God it’s not like that anymore.
“I met my first husband George through a youth club in Hunters Hill when I was 18. It was almost love at first sight. We married when I was 22 - full of hope and love and promising to obey – that is not in the vows anymore. We had two children quickly and struggled financially. He died suddenly - I was a widow by 40.
“Then I met my second husband Keith four years later when I was put in touch with him after a job interview. He took me for a game of golf for our first date. We were together 20 years before he died in his sleep.
“Four years later, I met husband number three – Arthur - at Hunters Hill Probus Club. We became friends when he was citizen of the year and I was president of the club. We married very quickly and he passed away in 2007.
“I’m still single now and although I’ve had a lot of sadness, I had three good marriages and have led a blessed, fortunate life.
“I’m a romantic and like to be cared for. It’s lonely on your own - I adore being in love and having that companionship.”
Pat’s niece is former NSW Opposition leader Kerry Chikarovski, 56. Kerry was brought up a Catholic, has two children and is divorced.
“My parents were married for 50 years until mum died. They were great role models and had a very stable relationship.
“Not married until the age of 24, my mum thought she would be an old maid. It never occurred to them not to marry in those days.
“I married Chris at 23 after a university romance. I didn’t feel particularly young – it was the right thing to do. Being from a Catholic family didn’t influence my decision.
With my busy career and being an MP, I didn’t devote as much time to the relationship as I should have – I have learnt the lesson.
“It would have been nice to emulate my parents’ long marriage but we grew apart. Getting divorced was better longer term for our children and Chris and I are still great friends.
“You must dedicate time to your marriage, but hopefully the kids would say I was at home enough while they were growing up.
“I am open to the possibility of meeting someone else – just like Auntie Pat. I admire her – she has had very trying times but proves anything is possible.
“People know I am single and I am in a job where I meet a lot of faces. I am only 56 so if the right person came along I’d be keen.”
Kerry’s daughter Lisa, 29, is in a de facto relationship with James and has a 15-month-old son.
“There is no urgency to get married now – it happens later in life. When I fell pregnant unmarried, mum was worried about telling my grandad, but he burst into tears from happiness.
“I have never considered conforming to social structures but I had great role models in mum’s parents when I was growing up. They were very involved in my life and I really believe in true love from seeing their relationship.
“I am a strong believer in no one being denied the chance to get married – people want the recognition. Australians are pretty accepting but there is a way to go.
“I would like mum to meet another man and to experience romance – having a partner there is hard to replace - even with close family like ours.”
Ellie is a 19-year-old student from Caboolture. She is a campaigning member of the Australian Sex Party. Her grandmother Shirley runs a sex on premises venue in Brisbane.
“My relationships are very sexual and passionate. I prefer being single because it means I can meet other people and not feel bad.
“I have had threesomes and lesbian experiences but I don’t find enough like-minded Aussies out there that are adventurous enough.
“What I want sexually depends on my mood. I like being adventurous in the bedroom - from new positions or places to BDSM. I don't like limiting myself.
“In my group of friends, sex is quite a common topic and we're all very comfortable talking about sexual adventures (or misadventures).
“I have made a lot of passionate friends in the ASP – it is good to meet like-minded people.
“I usually stick to my few friends with benefits and only find other people when they become coupled up.
“Sex used to be seen as an act of love between married couples. Not anymore.
“I can speak with my granny about super personal stuff like relationships or my change of birth control. We can discuss things more openly than a lot of other people. She gives good advice.”
Shirley, 70, is a widow and Ellie’s grandmother
"I own and run a gay sauna and spa. I enjoy what I do - I've been doing this for 16 years. I like providing a safe, sanitary service. For some gay people it's like a home away from home and that's how I like it.
“I was married when I was young – we courted for years. Then, men were respectful to women, and women only had one partner. Casual encounters were a no-no, because you'd get a name for yourself. Today, people don't care as much about tradition or being pure.
“I don’t like Ellie’s casual encounters and would prefer she had a serious, monogamous relationship.
“If you are in a stable relationship and you have children, your children have more stability and they see love and how loving people interact, not just casual sex. They grow up knowing about love and how loving people have arguments."
Sasha-Lee Guthrie, 19, lives in Sydney. She has a boyfriend but doesn’t feel old enough to be in a sexual relationship.
“I think sex is over-rated. Apparently it gets better when you are older. I don’t feel like it’s as good as it should be but maybe I’ll grow to like it more.
“I like to kiss and cuddle but I find guys want sex so often. I’ve never really been interested but feel like I should be and do it to please my boyfriend. I’m not adventurous.
“Sex is not important – to me it’s 5 per cent of a relationship.
“If my mum or grandma would have had sex at 19 they would have been sent away – it was a major scandal then in South Africa.
“I’m too young to be tied down - I feel like I’m missing something in my life. I like to go out, party and be free without my boyfriend nagging or getting jealous.
“But I’ve not been single for more than a month. I like the comfort of relationships –I didn’t even kiss some of my exes but I just liked having the friendship.
“Aussies talk about sex more than in South Africa and are more dirty and sleazy.”
Belinda, 35, sells sex toys and is a member of the Australian Sex Party. She is separated and lives in Melbourne with her daughter.
“In my mum's generation you got married for life and divorce held a big stigma.
“At school all of our parents were together. When I had my daughter and she started school it was still uncommon to see a lot of parents separated, yet now it is unusual for the kids at her high school to have parents that are still together.
“My daughter is 16 and has been with her boyfriend for over a year and a half and is sexually active.
“Now it’s OK for women my age to date casually whereas it was kept very secret before.
“I am around people who talk about sex a lot. Kinky sex is much more common and couples experiment more.”
Dr Nikki Goldstein, sexologist and relationship expert (www.drnikkig.com.au), 26, Sydney
“We are now a lot more open with sex and having it. We might not have had such a thing as the booty call and friends with benefits a few years ago. Now, these have nearly become the norm with some people and are often started and wanted by women.
"Women taking charge of their sexual pleasure is also on the rise - female sexuality is no longer just seen for procreation but for pleasure too. I also think we date faster and make up our minds quicker and move on to the next.
"Many people do find my job intimating but I will not date someone who does. If I feel they are intimidated or think that if they bed me I will teach them something, I don't waste my time. I am a person too beyond the job.
"My job is so hectic and requires me to really be sound of mind so I enjoy not having the hassles of romance right now. I prefer being single and dating.
"I have the privilege of being able to be exposed to and find out what is really on offer when it comes to sexuality. I also get away with a lot more all in the name of research.
"If I am somewhere that is a bit risqué, people will not think twice due to what I do, but for the average person they could get a specific label attached to them. I can be more open with sex without negative attitudes.”
Susie Goldstein, 56, has been married for almost 31 years and is Nikki's mum.
“I had my first boyfriend at 18 and had a few boyfriends in the next few years. In my day, a girl would never ring a boy and ask him to go out. A girl would sit home on a Saturday night and wait for the phone to ring but would never be the one to ring a boy for a date.
I met my future husband at 15 but didn’t start dating him until I was 21. We lived together for two years and got married at 25.
I am somewhat old-fashioned and believe in monogamy and marriage - especially where children are involved. Marriage doesn’t seem to be as important or the norm for people like it used to be.
I have a very good relationship with my daughter and we can talk about lots of things quite openly which differs from my day and which I believe to be a good thing.
I am often fascinated by what Nikki has to say. I have always been quite open-minded, but believe I have become more understanding and less judgemental through Nikki.
I am a very strong believer that we need more education in so many ways. Ignorance leads to many problems. It’s no longer enough to tell a teen that they should not drink, smoke or have sex till a certain age.
You have to educate people and give them the correct tools to make proper educated decisions for themselves.”
How do you think intimacy and relationships have changed over the years?
But over the past few decades the huge shift in our knowledge of sex
and sexuality – and growing feminism - has changed the way we form
relationships, experts say.Sex therapist and author Bettina Arndt says she has spoken to older people “who hardly had a clue what sex was all about when they were younger”.
“It was barely ever talked about openly and people blushed to even use the words,” Arndt says. “Sex before marriage carried a huge social stigma and courtship lasted for months or even years.”
Now, thanks to the internet, television and women’s magazines, people are generally a lot more comfortable talking about sex, fantasies, fetishes and their bodies.
So how have women’s relationships and sexuality changed over the years? We take a look at intimacy through the generations from the experiences of Australian grandmothers, mothers and daughters from very different backgrounds.
Pat Cox, 84, has been married three times and is a liberal thinker who still believes in love and romance.
“In my day, we were too scared to have sexual relationships before we were married.
“If I had got pregnant out of wedlock, I would have been sent away to a home for unmarried mothers and had my baby taken from me and adopted out. Thank God it’s not like that anymore.
“I met my first husband George through a youth club in Hunters Hill when I was 18. It was almost love at first sight. We married when I was 22 - full of hope and love and promising to obey – that is not in the vows anymore. We had two children quickly and struggled financially. He died suddenly - I was a widow by 40.
“Then I met my second husband Keith four years later when I was put in touch with him after a job interview. He took me for a game of golf for our first date. We were together 20 years before he died in his sleep.
“Four years later, I met husband number three – Arthur - at Hunters Hill Probus Club. We became friends when he was citizen of the year and I was president of the club. We married very quickly and he passed away in 2007.
“I’m still single now and although I’ve had a lot of sadness, I had three good marriages and have led a blessed, fortunate life.
“I’m a romantic and like to be cared for. It’s lonely on your own - I adore being in love and having that companionship.”
Pat’s niece is former NSW Opposition leader Kerry Chikarovski, 56. Kerry was brought up a Catholic, has two children and is divorced.
“My parents were married for 50 years until mum died. They were great role models and had a very stable relationship.
“Not married until the age of 24, my mum thought she would be an old maid. It never occurred to them not to marry in those days.
“I married Chris at 23 after a university romance. I didn’t feel particularly young – it was the right thing to do. Being from a Catholic family didn’t influence my decision.
With my busy career and being an MP, I didn’t devote as much time to the relationship as I should have – I have learnt the lesson.
“It would have been nice to emulate my parents’ long marriage but we grew apart. Getting divorced was better longer term for our children and Chris and I are still great friends.
“You must dedicate time to your marriage, but hopefully the kids would say I was at home enough while they were growing up.
“I am open to the possibility of meeting someone else – just like Auntie Pat. I admire her – she has had very trying times but proves anything is possible.
“People know I am single and I am in a job where I meet a lot of faces. I am only 56 so if the right person came along I’d be keen.”
Kerry’s daughter Lisa, 29, is in a de facto relationship with James and has a 15-month-old son.
“There is no urgency to get married now – it happens later in life. When I fell pregnant unmarried, mum was worried about telling my grandad, but he burst into tears from happiness.
“I have never considered conforming to social structures but I had great role models in mum’s parents when I was growing up. They were very involved in my life and I really believe in true love from seeing their relationship.
“I am a strong believer in no one being denied the chance to get married – people want the recognition. Australians are pretty accepting but there is a way to go.
“I would like mum to meet another man and to experience romance – having a partner there is hard to replace - even with close family like ours.”
Ellie is a 19-year-old student from Caboolture. She is a campaigning member of the Australian Sex Party. Her grandmother Shirley runs a sex on premises venue in Brisbane.
“My relationships are very sexual and passionate. I prefer being single because it means I can meet other people and not feel bad.
“I have had threesomes and lesbian experiences but I don’t find enough like-minded Aussies out there that are adventurous enough.
“What I want sexually depends on my mood. I like being adventurous in the bedroom - from new positions or places to BDSM. I don't like limiting myself.
“In my group of friends, sex is quite a common topic and we're all very comfortable talking about sexual adventures (or misadventures).
“I have made a lot of passionate friends in the ASP – it is good to meet like-minded people.
“I usually stick to my few friends with benefits and only find other people when they become coupled up.
“Sex used to be seen as an act of love between married couples. Not anymore.
“I can speak with my granny about super personal stuff like relationships or my change of birth control. We can discuss things more openly than a lot of other people. She gives good advice.”
Shirley, 70, is a widow and Ellie’s grandmother
"I own and run a gay sauna and spa. I enjoy what I do - I've been doing this for 16 years. I like providing a safe, sanitary service. For some gay people it's like a home away from home and that's how I like it.
“I was married when I was young – we courted for years. Then, men were respectful to women, and women only had one partner. Casual encounters were a no-no, because you'd get a name for yourself. Today, people don't care as much about tradition or being pure.
“I don’t like Ellie’s casual encounters and would prefer she had a serious, monogamous relationship.
“If you are in a stable relationship and you have children, your children have more stability and they see love and how loving people interact, not just casual sex. They grow up knowing about love and how loving people have arguments."
Sasha-Lee Guthrie, 19, lives in Sydney. She has a boyfriend but doesn’t feel old enough to be in a sexual relationship.
“I think sex is over-rated. Apparently it gets better when you are older. I don’t feel like it’s as good as it should be but maybe I’ll grow to like it more.
“I like to kiss and cuddle but I find guys want sex so often. I’ve never really been interested but feel like I should be and do it to please my boyfriend. I’m not adventurous.
“Sex is not important – to me it’s 5 per cent of a relationship.
“If my mum or grandma would have had sex at 19 they would have been sent away – it was a major scandal then in South Africa.
“I’m too young to be tied down - I feel like I’m missing something in my life. I like to go out, party and be free without my boyfriend nagging or getting jealous.
“But I’ve not been single for more than a month. I like the comfort of relationships –I didn’t even kiss some of my exes but I just liked having the friendship.
“Aussies talk about sex more than in South Africa and are more dirty and sleazy.”
Belinda, 35, sells sex toys and is a member of the Australian Sex Party. She is separated and lives in Melbourne with her daughter.
“In my mum's generation you got married for life and divorce held a big stigma.
“At school all of our parents were together. When I had my daughter and she started school it was still uncommon to see a lot of parents separated, yet now it is unusual for the kids at her high school to have parents that are still together.
“My daughter is 16 and has been with her boyfriend for over a year and a half and is sexually active.
“Now it’s OK for women my age to date casually whereas it was kept very secret before.
“I am around people who talk about sex a lot. Kinky sex is much more common and couples experiment more.”
Dr Nikki Goldstein, sexologist and relationship expert (www.drnikkig.com.au), 26, Sydney
“We are now a lot more open with sex and having it. We might not have had such a thing as the booty call and friends with benefits a few years ago. Now, these have nearly become the norm with some people and are often started and wanted by women.
"Women taking charge of their sexual pleasure is also on the rise - female sexuality is no longer just seen for procreation but for pleasure too. I also think we date faster and make up our minds quicker and move on to the next.
"Many people do find my job intimating but I will not date someone who does. If I feel they are intimidated or think that if they bed me I will teach them something, I don't waste my time. I am a person too beyond the job.
"My job is so hectic and requires me to really be sound of mind so I enjoy not having the hassles of romance right now. I prefer being single and dating.
"I have the privilege of being able to be exposed to and find out what is really on offer when it comes to sexuality. I also get away with a lot more all in the name of research.
"If I am somewhere that is a bit risqué, people will not think twice due to what I do, but for the average person they could get a specific label attached to them. I can be more open with sex without negative attitudes.”
Susie Goldstein, 56, has been married for almost 31 years and is Nikki's mum.
“I had my first boyfriend at 18 and had a few boyfriends in the next few years. In my day, a girl would never ring a boy and ask him to go out. A girl would sit home on a Saturday night and wait for the phone to ring but would never be the one to ring a boy for a date.
I met my future husband at 15 but didn’t start dating him until I was 21. We lived together for two years and got married at 25.
I am somewhat old-fashioned and believe in monogamy and marriage - especially where children are involved. Marriage doesn’t seem to be as important or the norm for people like it used to be.
I have a very good relationship with my daughter and we can talk about lots of things quite openly which differs from my day and which I believe to be a good thing.
I am often fascinated by what Nikki has to say. I have always been quite open-minded, but believe I have become more understanding and less judgemental through Nikki.
I am a very strong believer that we need more education in so many ways. Ignorance leads to many problems. It’s no longer enough to tell a teen that they should not drink, smoke or have sex till a certain age.
You have to educate people and give them the correct tools to make proper educated decisions for themselves.”
How do you think intimacy and relationships have changed over the years?
No comments:
Post a Comment